I used to identify as a Christian. That’s how I was brought up. Like countless other kids, I was indoctrinated into it at a very young age. That way, fear could still be used as a reason for why I should believe in God. And boy, was that effective! I was so afraid of what a vengeful God might do to me, I was too scared NOT to believe.
So now that I’m an adult, what do I believe? The short answer is I don’t know anymore. I mean I want to be reunited with Randy in the afterlife, but there’s something about religion that I can’t get behind now. You see, Randy was my miracle. He was what gave me reasons to believe in God because medicine DID NOT heal Randy from cancer. Something bigger kept Randy around. I don’t know what it was, but Randy far surpassed the death sentence the doctors gave him at age 4.
But now…he’s gone.
My miracle has been taken away. And I believed so blindly that God had healed him, NOTHING was going to undo it. Randy had beaten cancer in my eyes. I never thought we’d lose him. That’s why it came as such a shock when we did. The same God that supposedly healed him was also supposed to protect him. That didn’t happen. It shattered my belief system.
That’s when I started looking at the world and my place in it. None of it made sense anymore. Think about it, this world is an ugly place. Bad things happen to good people all the time that God could easily prevent. Wouldn’t that win over more people to Christianity than unanswered prayers?? When I prayed, was I just talking to the ceiling?? How many other people’s prayers don’t get answered?? The graveyards are FULL of unanswered prayers. How am I supposed to believe in anything now??
Needless to say, I don’t pray anymore. It doesn’t even feel right to me now. I’d have to say my beliefs are more agnostic. In other words, I believe in something, but I can’t define what it is. Whatever God is or isn’t is just too big for me to wrap my little human brain around. I used to try and talk my kids into having faith in God, but I know now that I don’t have any answers and neither does anyone else. They question how this could happen to their brother…and they’re right to. Even I still ask how could this happen to the most beautiful, innocent soul I’ve ever met?? How is it fair that my son isn’t here, but so many who are undeserving are?? If there is a God up there, he isn’t in the business of answering prayers anymore, folks…all the prayers in the world didn’t save Randy. And they won’t save me or you either.
Like it or not, we’re on our own. So keep praying…no one is listening…
For the love of Randy... 