Full disclosure: I’ve considered suicide many times since we lost Randy. His loss caused me to question life itself and what (if any) my purpose for being here even is. So I hope you’ll believe me when I say that I’ve had some very dark moments.
What keeps me going? Why do I still continue to exist? Simple: because of my kids. Randy, Jordan, and James keep me going. Even though Randy isn’t here anymore, he’s still pushing me to get up and face the day. He lived the life he was dealt to the fullest, and that inspires me to at least try to live mine.
Most importantly, I want my kids to see me try. Even though I have days where I don’t feel like I matter to anyone and I’d be better off dead, my kids get me to at least try. I don’t have to win the day necessarily…I just have to show up. Because I have to believe that SOMEONE is watching me and wants to see me try. Someone cares enough about me to want me to stay around for a while longer.
And besides, don’t I owe it to them to at least try? Maybe my life has been ruined, but would it be inspirational for my kids to see me still trying every single day in spite of what hand has been dealt to me? As long as I keep getting up and trying, isn’t that better in their eyes than wishing for my own death?
I hope that’s true. I sincerely hope that my kids see my struggles, but they see me still getting up in the morning and trying to live. I don’t hide my feelings from them. They know I hurt. They know I grieve. But I’m still here. And I’m still hanging on, even if I don’t know what I’m hanging for sometimes. I also hope that when they face struggles of their own (and they will), they’ll remember these lessons. I try to be here. I try to be more than just a heartbroken parent…
I try…for Randy, Jordan, and James…I try.
❤️♾️
For the love of Randy... 