Where to begin with this post…
Let’s start with a day in what is my “new normal”. If I got any quality sleep, I wake up to a brief moment where I feel I dreamt all this. Randy isn’t really gone. I dreamt it all. But then I see all the pictures of him on my bedroom mirror and I realize my reality. I’ve lost him.
I then go to work where I also have a Randy shrine going. You see, I have Randy shrines all over the place. Work, home, car…doesn’t matter. He’s with me. And some days, I find that comforting. But most of the time, all I can feel is the pain of his absence. So even at work, I can’t escape it. And just like clockwork, my day sinks into depression the longer it goes. I find myself with a lump in my throat and my heart racing for most of the afternoon. I’m completely unable to concentrate, and I don’t really care about much of anything. No motivation either. I’m just a body that shows up.
Am I happy about any of this? No. Who would be? No one would choose to live with the pain I endure every single day. But I can’t seem to make it any better. There isn’t a way for me to “just get over it“. I feel like this pain is never ending and I can’t be fixed…
Losing him has caused me to question everything. My purpose, my faith, my own mortality….you name it, I question it. It hurts today just like it did the day it happened. I suppose I’ll always hurt about this in some way…
Love beyond forever ❤️♾
For the love of Randy... 