The main reason we created this blog wasn’t to focus on negative feelings about our situation. It was to celebrate the life of our son and brother, who was an extraordinary human being. So, we really do try not to focus on the fact that Randy is no longer here with us and instead focus on the 25 years of joy and love he gave us. It’s all we can do at this point.
But sometimes, the feelings of loss and despair pile up so much, they find their way on to this blog. Because let’s be honest, Randy still influences a lot of things going on right now. All the psychology and emotions still center around him, and that hasn’t been good for us as his family. Trying to carry on without Randy has been the worst process I’ve ever been through.
One thing that I will say I’ve learned from all of this is the value of a moment. When my kids were younger, I felt like I had a better appreciation for the moments we were creating together. And they didn’t have to be big significant events either. Just driving to Florida and playing road games seem so huge to me now, but at the time, I didn’t think much of it. Swimming with my kids, or even going to their events and games didn’t seem like anything special. It was just something to do that day (if I even bothered to show up at all), but now I realize none of those moments were meaningless. Every single one of them was a moment in time with the people I love and care about the most. And when those moments pass us by, we don’t get them back. Part of my pain now is that I was too blind to see it. As we all got older, I did less and less with them. I watched us all grow apart and did nothing to change it. I missed out on some of the most special moments of Randy’s life because I had “better” things to do. NOTHING I did was more important than spending time with my children. And per my usual, I had to learn that lesson the hard way….
I’m truly sorry to James, Jordan, and Randy. They deserved my best….. I will regret they didn’t always get that from me…
For the love of Randy... 